what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
