Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
