so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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