You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
