Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
