I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
