I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
