I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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