to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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