my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
