Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Even my vagina gasped.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
