thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
