Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
