i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
