I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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