i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Randomize
