So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
