I can text with my tongue
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
