I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
