My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
