I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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