where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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