i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
