Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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