I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
