You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
