I could have mohawked her pubes.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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