why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
