It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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