Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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