yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
