i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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