I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
