i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
