remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
