dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize