remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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