If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
