Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize