Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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