just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize