Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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