she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
