I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
