Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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