Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
