My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
