Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
