Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
