I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
