2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Having a random hookup so left but love u
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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