new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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