Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
