sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
