omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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